Knowing My Feelings
Thank you for reading,
It’s been a crazy week at work. Came in Monday to find out that the main water line is leaking. The powers at be are going to wait till Friday after school to fix it. Wednesday I got to work, and was told that it got worse. They were closing school for the day. All the adults still had to work. I was at the school with no water, which means no a/c. I didn’t drink enough water, so by the end of day I was feeling heat exhaustion. I started pouring down the water after I left. I did start to feel better about an hour later. It wasn’t smart of me to do, but I didn’t want to use the restroom that much without being able to flush.
The water got turned on around 10 or 11 p.m. that night. The school district had some of the night crew come over to flush all the toilets to make sure that there isn’t any dirt that messes up the toilets. Basically so there are no problems the next day. Plus when you flush the toilets for the first time it has air in the line, which scares the kids. When the night guys did flush the toilets, they most likely didn't use gloves. You know the actual cleaners don't usually clean the handles, so you probably know what I'm thinking. These guys are spreading germs everywhere. Since I have no proof, I have to believe they didn’t spread any germs. That this is only my OCD talking to me. I went on with my day not thinking about it again. Ya me!
Before going to therapy this week, while at lunch at work, I decided to write out how I was feeling. I did this for the reason that Rachel asks me how I am first thing when I get there. I always say something like okay or fine. I really am not sure how I’m feeling most of the time. By the time I finished getting all of my feelings out I had written two pages. This brought up a deep discussion on my emotions and not feeling them. I don’t take the time to just sit. It doesn’t matter if I’m home, work, or out on vacation, I want to get as much done as possible. I’ve talked about taking care of ourselves in the past. I’m clearly not doing that. My homework from now on is to stop throughout my day and to sit for a couple of minutes to feel how I am.
Another thing we talked about was me being rigid. I’ve been like this more than likely all my life. I don't really change a lot in my life. I’m pretty strict with myself on my routines. I try hard not to go from them if at all possible. For example, Saturday night is laundry night. I will rarely set up things to do on Saturday night, unless something comes up like an emergency or I’m on vacation. I definitely need to work on change, at least here and there. Maybe not on a permit basis, at least one or two things every week. I’m going to have to think about this due to the fact I go to bed early. I know, I’m making another excuse. I have a lot of excuses. Even little changes are hard for me. I would like to tell you something that I’m going to change this week to make myself more accountable, but I have nothing off the top of my head. I will get back to you on this.
Leaving to go to Tai Chi on Saturday, I was nervous about being late. I had to keep telling myself that I left last week at the same time and I wasn’t late. I also had to slow down a couple of times while driving. Once I got there I didn’t run in like I did last week. I took my time walking in, what helped was I saw someone from class getting out of her car, so I waited to walk in with her.
With the teacher being sick last week along with several people coughing made my OCD start talking with me. The teacher still isn't a hundred percent better, so he could still be contagious. He did come over to you to explain the question you asked right in your face, so you will probably get sick, including the person next to you who keeps coughing, so she is probably coming down with something too. See you should get to class earlier so you can sit at the end, which will help you. All of these things my OCD is saying to me while trying to concentrate on doing Tai Chi. Even while writing this my OCD is nagging me about how I’m going to get sick. Some days are easier than others for me to push my OCD voice out of my head, however, yesterday was that day. Today is still to be determined.
This week I listened to The OCD Stories podcast with Stuart Ralph. I listen to this podcast every so often. What I took from the episode on the podcast I listened to was how blessed we are to have the internet to search for stuff. We don’t have to solely rely on others' opinions. I know the internet isn’t always the best for a lot of things, however, it is better than nothing. I know that people still today are getting misdiagnosed with things despite that we or someone who loves us can get on the internet to search to see what they or a loved one has to help themselves or the loved one to get the right help. It still may take a while to get on the right path, even so it is better than being on the wrong path forever. I know searching the internet for answers can go terrible wrong too. I was just thinking way back in the eighties or even the seventies before the internet. How most people relied on everything a doctor or psychiatrist said to be fact. How many people were put somewhere or had something done to them given the fact there was no way for them to really research what the doctor or psychiatrist said. I know there are still a lot of problems out there in the world with misdiagnoses, nevertheless, if we all do a small part to help each other then there will be less misdiagnoses.
I feel we can all do something to help each other, even if it is to only acknowledge the person to say I’m sorry you are going through this, or putting them in your prayers. You don’t have to be a specialist of any kind, write a book, have a podcast to help someone. Just showing someone that you see them, and hear them can be good enough.
Songwriting is my way of channeling my feelings and my thoughts. Not just mine, but the things I see, the people I care about. My head would explode if I didn’t get some of that stuff out. - Dolly Parton
Here are some websites to find help with your OCD.
In Arizona
https://ocdandptsdtherapy.com/
United States & Global
Please remember that I am not a therapist, but a person who has OCD, cares about others, and wants to help any way I can. I am not giving advice. I am just telling my own experiences, and praying my experiences help someone. If you need help please go get the help you need.
Until next time,
Tracy T. Agnelli
