OCD & Praying
Thank you for reading,
My no-prayer days didn’t get any easier. In my regular gratitude journal I have to push myself not to write everything I wrote down before on a daily basis. I’m grateful to God for a lot of things, and I feel I should write them down daily. Things like having a nice, safe, healthy day, my family, friends and I having another day on this earth, all my body parts working the way they should, and so on. I feel if I don’t show my gratitude on a daily basis for all things, then God will not think I’m grateful, and something might happen to me. The good part about this is I’m finding more and different things to be grateful for daily.
Not sure if I mentioned this before, but every morning I not only read the Bible, I have a calendar with a positive religious message. I also read from a book someone got me a long time ago called God’s Words of Life for Grandfathers. I do these things still on no prayer days.
Driving to work on Monday, which is a no prayer day, is extremely difficult. I pray while driving to work, as well as for a while after getting to work. This takes about forty to forty - five minutes. I go over everything. I say it the same way every day, even when I don’t go to work. The first day driving to work I didn’t know what to do with myself. I didn’t want to listen to the radio, so I tried to talk to myself about things I needed to get done. While I drive to work I also thank God for helping me make lights, etc. Half way to work I stopped saying them, however I thought about them every time, so I still did what I wasn’t supposed to do. I felt lonely not talking to God.
Another thing that is difficult is trying not to talk, thank, and apologize to God throughout my day. The thing is I do maintenance at an elementary school. I’m alone a lot, during the summer it is even worse. Listening to radio, podcast can only do so much.
When I got home to an empty house I felt even lonelier. When I get ready for the night I will listen to Youtube music. I listen to a variety of things. Country, Rock, 80’s, old rock like Elvis, Chuck Berry, along with religious music from mostly country singers. I wasn't going to listen to songs about God because of what Rachel put on the cards. No doing anything to compensate. To me this was compensating. After a couple of songs I changed my mind. I felt that I was dissing God in every way today, so I felt I needed to hear the songs. When I went back to play the songs they were gone, I had to go refind them. I felt God was telling me something by that. I am not sure what, but maybe that I would easily forget him or I don't need him. I got a tightness in my chest at the time. I don't have anyone special in my life who I can depend on, except God. I don't want God to forget about me, or be mad at me.
I started to wonder if I was making God a surrogate person in my life. I wasn’t saying I don't want him in my life or anything because I do. I don't really have a special someone in my life. Maybe if I had someone special in my life, maybe I wouldn’t need to lean on God so much?
Tuesday morning when I got up, I felt relieved being able to say my prayers. I knew Rachel was right with my religious stuff being my O. C. D. As I'm saying my prayers on the way to work and talking to God, I felt good then all of a sudden, I found anxiety because I can't remember everything I usually say, so I start being worried about not being able to remember everything that I say every morning. It really bothered me a lot. I know this is O. C. D. I don't know how to fix it. I'm actually scared. I don't want God to be mad at me for not praying. Then another thing is, I want to stop OCD at the same time I want to do what is right in God's eyes. How do I do both?
Later that night, I was feeling sad and worried about losing being so close to God. I know God will not dislike me for praying less, then again I worry if I don’t pray about my health and everything about me, my family and friends something will happen to one of us. I have been pondering this week if I’ve been praying wrong. After all these years, do I need to learn how to pray?
Wednesday morning, my last prayer day for the week. This is what I wrote down after getting to work. Not sure how I got to work. I had a hard time driving here, tightness and chest. I was just driving way too fast. Just trying to get here to not pray or talk to God. Also for not apologies for things. I was thanking and not thanking God for making lights, and for God getting me to work safely. I got tightness in my chest. I feel stressed. I even turned on the radio this morning. It didn't help me. This isn’t the way I want to start my day.
The older I get the harder time I’m having with heights. I have always been afraid of heights and falling. I have two portable buildings. The roofs had some tiles coming off. I went up to check, which I will not do anymore. I will have someone else do it. At 8:45 a.m. I prayed to God to help me off of this roof. I almost had to call someone to help me. I don’t know what they would have done, except for being supportive. I thanked God several more times that day.
The next morning I started out getting excited about being able to pray, but quickly got depressed realizing it’s O.C. D. is the reason why I was feeling so much relief being able to pray and talk to God. I got a little sad, not knowing what to do.
I have prayed a little differently a couple of times this week, nevertheless I still end up saying the same thing I have always said, but in a different way. I’m not sure how to pray anymore. Looking at the positive, I like learning new things, so learning how to pray will be something new I learn.
I've been working on not getting to places way too early. As you know, even when using Google maps to help me get somewhere I would still get there thirty or more minutes early. The other day when I was off of work, I went to a doctor’s appointment. I left for my appointment using Google to which I would arrive around ten minutes early. I got a couple of miles down the road and had to turn around to get my wallet that I forgot. I told myself that it is okay to be late, and to not rush. I was so proud of myself. I got to my appointment exactly on time. I thought. I wrote down my appointment time as 8 a.m. They didn’t send me a text the day before reminding me of the time. When I got there they told me it wasn’t till 9 a.m. I still have some work to do with being so early to things, however I’m getting better at it.
I mentioned a couple of weeks ago about how my therapist, Rachel, wants me to touch my shoes for the reason I also have contamination OCD. If I put on or touch my shoes in any way, then I will wash my hands. To me shoes have always been gross. What they walk on or what gets on them. I have been touching them without washing my hands to get better. This week I had an epiphany that wasn’t good. I'm a man. I sometimes stand to use the restroom, like most men do. Men sometimes splatter, which could possibly go onto my shoes. I started to ruminate about this during the week. I had to tell myself to use my senses. I didn’t see any splatter, so it is okay to touch my shoes. Shoes have been a struggle for me for many years.
I listened to the Chrissie Hodges podcast Intrusive thoughts Unmasked this week. I had to stop listening to it and finish it the next day. It was about three siblings, two boys and a girl, and the one boy having OCD. They are in their twenties and thirties. I got very emotional listening to this. That is why I stopped. This episode shows how people care about us, but if we don’t talk we will never know. This is a great podcast. Chrissie does a lot for OCD. She also runs OCD Gamechangers which is her non profit.
I will end on a good contamination item. When I went to the doctor's office I grabbed the door handle.
Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Failing better. - Samuel Beckett
The quote above tells me I might keep failing at my OCD, but with every failed attempt I get closer to beating my OCD.
Someone is sitting in the shade today because someone planted a tree a long time ago. - Warren Buffett
This quote reminds me of someone like you and I who started talking or writing about their OCD, which helped us and others to get the help we needed. You or I may never know who we have helped by writing or speaking to people about our OCD, or our life, but that doesn’t matter. What does matter is we keep speaking and writing about OCD to help others. Talking about OCD is difficult, however being vulnerable to talk about our personal lives with OCD is even more difficult at times. What matters is that people with OCD keep speaking up to help others. Thank you for speaking, writing and reading about OCD.
Here are some websites to find help with your OCD.
In Arizona
https://ocdandptsdtherapy.com/
https://ocdaz.org/
United States & Global
Please remember that I am not a therapist, but a person who has OCD, cares about others, and wants to help any way I can. I am not giving advice. I am just telling my own experiences, and praying my experiences help someone. If you need help please go get the help you need.
Until next time,
Tracy T. Agnelli
