Do I Want A Relationship With Fear, OCD or God
Thank you for reading,
My stress level has been good again this week. I realized Sunday morning that I haven’t been listening to a preacher on the TV that I usually listen to on top of going to church. I started to wonder if my stress level has been better due to the fact of me not listening to him for several weeks on top of not praying all the time along with praying differently at different times. I’m still fearing God the way I was, I’m just not as stressed over it.
Rachel, my therapist and I discussed this along with several other things. We were talking about God and I brought up the Bible. We started discussing the Bible. Rachel really got me this week. She said that you know the Bible is a mirror. I asked her to explain. Everyone interprets the Bible differently. That's because of the different things we go through in life. If someone is having an issue with fear, adultery, shame, love, strength, faith, etc., then that is what the person will see in the Bible. I think it resonated with me for the reason I'm seeing fear in my life in every situation. Fear of being alone, fear of my O. C. D taking control of my life again, fear that I might miss out on something in my lifetime, fear of dying, so it's only right for me to see more fear in the bible.
I read the Bible daily. The only thing I’m reading or seeing in the Bible is about fear. If someone else reads the same passage as me, however, their life is on an upward positive momentum, then they will see the same passage in a more positive way. I think there is some truth to this. What do you think?
I didn’t give Rachel an answer to the question she asked me last time. What kind of relationship do I want with God? I’ve thought about this for a while having no clue, then the other day I read a calendar quote that said Friendship with God is reserved for those who reverence Him. This made me think that I didn’t want a parent relationship with God, or a sibling relationship on the other hand I did want a friendship with Him. I want someone to give me some advice, someone I can trust, to support me, who cares about me.
I stopped at Walmart grocery store to look for some peanut butter and there was a woman sitting by the exit door. I'm assuming she was homeless by the way she was sitting by the door. She was asking me something, to which I just looked away mumbling something as I just ran inside. I wondered the whole entire time I was in the store, should I say something when I leave. I didn’t even look at her. I just ran to my vehicle. After I got into the car I thought about going back over, but I didn’t. I just drove home. A couple of hours later I was still feeling guilty not letting the woman talk. Maybe she only wanted a bottle of water. I will never know.
The next morning I thought maybe this was a test from God which if it was then I failed again. I’ve written about how I have issues with dealing with homeless people before. I only volunteered one time this summer at the food bank. I didn’t see any homeless people. I was making food in the kitchen. I know this has to do with my OCD. I don’t know how to explain it at this time nevertheless, Rachel and I have to work on this some more. I do know that I’m scared of them.
There are so many homeless people around. I wonder how you know when to give, how much to give, or how often to give. Like the woman at Walmart, I should have been nice enough to at least listen to her, and not start thinking about what I had to get, how much I’ve been spending on gas and groceries lately. Some people would love to have those problems, instead of worrying where they are going to sleep or will they have any food to eat today.
Yes, I feel like a selfish jerk. I don’t claim to be perfect. I do want to help people in any way I can, however to go up to a homeless person on the street and give them a bottle of water feels impossible for me to do at this time.
Shame is the most powerful, master emotion. It’s the fear that we’re not good enough. - Brene Brown
Success isn’t always about greatness. It’s about consistency. Consistent hard work leads to success. Greatness will come. - Dwayne Johnson
I’m going to keep on pushing to beat OCD. How about you?
Here are some websites to find help with your OCD.
In Arizona
https://ocdandptsdtherapy.com/
https://ocdaz.org/
United States & Global
Please remember that I am not a therapist, but a person who has OCD, cares about others, and wants to help any way I can. I am not giving advice. I am just telling my own experiences, and praying my experiences help someone. If you need help please go get the help you need.
Until next time,
Tracy T. Agnelli
